So, it appears that putting the CBT leaflet where I can see it every morning hasn’t helped. Months have gone by and I still haven’t done anything about it…
Today has found me feeling particularly down. No particular reason, I’ve just done nothing but sit and mope and start to self-harm again.
I hate this feeling. I don’t normally have too much trouble being ill, but that’s because I normally only get colds which a healthy dose of paracetamol will handle. Being ill, and the illness making me not bother to get the help that would make it go away… This has got me feeling more sorry for myself.
It would help, I think, if there was someone to talk to. The problem is, my best friends are all members of the Organisation. This means, if I talk to them, I put them in the difficult position where our friendship has to fight with their obligation to report safeguarding concerns. I don’t want to put them in that position, and I don’t want this to have to go to the safeguarding team. The last thing I need is someone considering me to be a vulnerable adult, not least because of my leadership role (and I don’t think I am vulnerable in the way safeguarding worries about. I am perfectly capable of looking after myself…).
Now, if cause, I’m stressing, and so can’t really sleep, which really won’t help.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll call them, and make an appointment with my GP for a follow-up.
It’s easy to make New Years Resolutions. Not so easy to keep them. I could make the usual ones:
- Exercise more
- Eat better
- Keep up with my studies better
The list goes on. Add in my particular circumstances and I could add:
- Come out to my parents
- Blog more regularly
Again, the list could be a mile long.
I’ll say right away, the first item in the second list isn’t likely to happen any time this decade, and the latter really depends on how much inspiration I have.
However, the first list shows some potential.
If I want to get anywhere in my ambulance work without damaging myself, I need to get fit, and I need to get stronger. I noticed that my fitness was going down when I stopped cycling to work. Suddenly, the cycle to uni, which used to be pretty average, is a nightmare. Well, the few times I’ve tried it before the snow got bad. In short, more exercise is needed. I’m at a uni that has amazing sports facilities. Shouldn’t be too hard, as long as I stick with it… That, unfortunately, will be the problem.
As a student, the eating properly think is always a problem. Hopefully that’ll get better as I get a bit more free time. More importantly on the health front, I think I need to see a Doctor.
I should explain more thoroughly… A few months ago, I had a chat with a GP about my mental health. To cut a long story short, I’ve been self-harming for quite a long time, now. In fact, I can’t really remember when I started, it was so long ago. At first I just saw it as a bad habit, but looking back, at my behaviour, my feelings, everything, I got a bit concerned.
Now don’t misunderstand. I have never done myself lasting damage. Never anything that risked my life, and I’ve never considered suicide. I have no visible scars (at least, none that were deliberately self-inflicted), and nothing that you’d see in everyday life.
I had a feeling that something wasn’t right, and when I went to the Doctor, she agreed that something was wrong, possibly depression, or it could be anxiety. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out, and told me to see her in a week.
I missed the appointment. Not intentionally. I honestly thought she had said two weeks, not one. More importantly, though, I didn’t set a new date for the appointment. I could have done. I have thought about doing it, more than once, and have seen a GP about other things since. It’s just never happened. If I’m honest, it’s probably because I’ve never worked up the courage to do it again. It was hard enough having the conversation the first time around, why would I want to do all that again…
Except I need to, because the harm hasn’t stopped, and I’ve not miraculously started feeling better. I would be lying to myself if I said I was. I have trouble sleeping, I am still harming myself (even as I write this post, and that scares me because I know what I’m doing, but still do it), I always feel run down, and am always feeling generally ‘low’.
So my New Years Resolution is simple. Look after myself better. And I can achieve it. I have to believe I can achieve it. Because if I don’t, I’ve already lost the battle.
And I can’t let this get any worse…