So, it appears that putting the CBT leaflet where I can see it every morning hasn’t helped. Months have gone by and I still haven’t done anything about it…
Today has found me feeling particularly down. No particular reason, I’ve just done nothing but sit and mope and start to self-harm again.
I hate this feeling. I don’t normally have too much trouble being ill, but that’s because I normally only get colds which a healthy dose of paracetamol will handle. Being ill, and the illness making me not bother to get the help that would make it go away… This has got me feeling more sorry for myself.
It would help, I think, if there was someone to talk to. The problem is, my best friends are all members of the Organisation. This means, if I talk to them, I put them in the difficult position where our friendship has to fight with their obligation to report safeguarding concerns. I don’t want to put them in that position, and I don’t want this to have to go to the safeguarding team. The last thing I need is someone considering me to be a vulnerable adult, not least because of my leadership role (and I don’t think I am vulnerable in the way safeguarding worries about. I am perfectly capable of looking after myself…).
Now, if cause, I’m stressing, and so can’t really sleep, which really won’t help.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll call them, and make an appointment with my GP for a follow-up.
I still haven’t made that appointment. Every time I’ve thought about doing it, something has come up and I’ve done something else. Mañana, mañana.
This afternoon, I received a massive kick up the backside. It appears that my particular self-harm has started being visible to my friends. To them it looks particularly innocuous. To me it was an unpleasent surprise.
Tomorrow, I have an appointment with the nurse to get my wounds checked on. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to try to get an appointment with my GP to fit in shortly after. Because enough is enough. This isn’t getting better, no matter what lies I tell myself. Today, I got home, sat down in front of my computer, and despite having a reasonably good day (aside from one rant which is going to follow), felt like crying. No real reason, I just felt really upset. And this isn’t right. I deserve better than this. I have to believe that. I do believe that.
So, it’s time to do something. Because at this rate, I’m going to hit rock bottom so hard I’ll never get back up.
It’s easy to make New Years Resolutions. Not so easy to keep them. I could make the usual ones:
- Exercise more
- Eat better
- Keep up with my studies better
The list goes on. Add in my particular circumstances and I could add:
- Come out to my parents
- Blog more regularly
Again, the list could be a mile long.
I’ll say right away, the first item in the second list isn’t likely to happen any time this decade, and the latter really depends on how much inspiration I have.
However, the first list shows some potential.
If I want to get anywhere in my ambulance work without damaging myself, I need to get fit, and I need to get stronger. I noticed that my fitness was going down when I stopped cycling to work. Suddenly, the cycle to uni, which used to be pretty average, is a nightmare. Well, the few times I’ve tried it before the snow got bad. In short, more exercise is needed. I’m at a uni that has amazing sports facilities. Shouldn’t be too hard, as long as I stick with it… That, unfortunately, will be the problem.
As a student, the eating properly think is always a problem. Hopefully that’ll get better as I get a bit more free time. More importantly on the health front, I think I need to see a Doctor.
I should explain more thoroughly… A few months ago, I had a chat with a GP about my mental health. To cut a long story short, I’ve been self-harming for quite a long time, now. In fact, I can’t really remember when I started, it was so long ago. At first I just saw it as a bad habit, but looking back, at my behaviour, my feelings, everything, I got a bit concerned.
Now don’t misunderstand. I have never done myself lasting damage. Never anything that risked my life, and I’ve never considered suicide. I have no visible scars (at least, none that were deliberately self-inflicted), and nothing that you’d see in everyday life.
I had a feeling that something wasn’t right, and when I went to the Doctor, she agreed that something was wrong, possibly depression, or it could be anxiety. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out, and told me to see her in a week.
I missed the appointment. Not intentionally. I honestly thought she had said two weeks, not one. More importantly, though, I didn’t set a new date for the appointment. I could have done. I have thought about doing it, more than once, and have seen a GP about other things since. It’s just never happened. If I’m honest, it’s probably because I’ve never worked up the courage to do it again. It was hard enough having the conversation the first time around, why would I want to do all that again…
Except I need to, because the harm hasn’t stopped, and I’ve not miraculously started feeling better. I would be lying to myself if I said I was. I have trouble sleeping, I am still harming myself (even as I write this post, and that scares me because I know what I’m doing, but still do it), I always feel run down, and am always feeling generally ‘low’.
So my New Years Resolution is simple. Look after myself better. And I can achieve it. I have to believe I can achieve it. Because if I don’t, I’ve already lost the battle.
And I can’t let this get any worse…
I am most impressed that Wikipedia has a page on the dreaded Freshers’ Flu.
I would argue one point though: it’s not just caught by freshers. Those of us who work closely with them during Freshers’ Week (tech crew, first aiders, helpers, nobody escapes) are just as susceptible…
Funnily enough, we got through a lot of paracetamol during the week!
This has not been my most productive day. I have spent almost all my time at work playing with a computer, trying to work out why the damn thing doesn’t work.
It was typical. I had nothing to do, and made the mistake of asking my supervisor for something new. Cue MechEnger, the mechanical engineering student from my university, to sit down to test the computer I’d been working with before, and have it break on him.
This rendered the entire system useless until it’s fixed.
And it still isn’t fixed. I have to try some new things tomorrow, in the desperate hope I’ll sort it out.
Oh yeah, and my cold, which I thought I’d got rid of a week ago, seems to have come back with a vengeance.
It’s like the dreaded ‘q’ word. Anyone medical out there will have heard of it. As soon as anyone says that word, you can guarantee all hell will break loose.
I know what I won’t be saying any time soon.