Lack of Progress
So that CBT thing I was supposed to be referring myself to. The one whose leaflet I’ve had sat on my desk for more than a week now.
Yeah… That thing that I keep telling myself ‘I must sort that out.’ ‘Must do that, but tomorrow’.
I promised myself I would keep on top of this. And yet, I keep putting it off.
I think I know why. I’m afraid. It’s scary admitting that I have a mental health problem, and going to seek out help from somone I don’t even know. That’s terrifying. So I put it off, and put it off, until I forget about it. Which is a crap way of dealing with it.
‘Don’t be stupid.’ I tell myself. ‘You’ve faced down threatening patients. You’ve worked in a major incident with no second thoughts.’ Except, of cause, one way or another, I have been in control of those situations. Either by sheer force of will, or by continuous training and work. I can cope with that, because I know what will happen.
With this, I’m all at sea. I have no idea what is going to happen, and I don’t seem to be able to control my situation either. I’m terrified that everything is going to slip away from me, and I have no way of pinning these things down.
‘So’, I tell myself, ‘it’s time to take control. And that means take that first step.’
And it’s easy to tell myself that. Easy to promise myself that I’ll do it. Easy to push it back and push it back. Easy to let the leaflet get buried under everything else on my desk.
This isn’t going to be easy. I have to remember this. It’s probably going to be scary.
I’ve told patients (mainly the very young ones) that it’s okay to be scared, as long as you are brave.
I’m good at handing out advice like this. That’s the easy bit.
No comes the difficult part…
- Keeping Promises (walkingplasterdispenser.wordpress.com)
- Progress (walkingplasterdispenser.wordpress.com)