My Future as a Leader

As I have mentioned a few times now, I am currently the leader of the local Organisation unit for young people.  This means I am in charge of two other adults and twenty 10-18 year-olds, and am somehow responsible for making sure they become disciplined, confident and well-rounded individuals (which most of them are).

Now, I have been a member of this organisation for just under five years.  The first three-ish years were spent in the university unit, which was fun at first, but in the end I had a falling out with two of the more influential members, and it became more trouble than it was worth to stay put.  Somehow, I convinced myself (and was convinced) that it would be a good idea to work with young people, and I transferred to, and eventually ended up leading, the my current unit.  In short, this was the best thing I could ever have done.  While trying not to be over-dramatic, I am convinced that, had I stayed at the University unit, I would since have left the organisation, or at the very least be very fed up.  Instead, I have had two of the most enjoyable years of my life, and I have grown very attached to all of the young people I work with.

Unfortunately, now that I am graduating, life gets more interesting.  With my upcoming graduate program, I could end up changing where I am working every three months.  I could end up spending three months working in the US, or Germany, or anywhere else that my company operates in. Add on to the fact that I won’t know where my first placement is until after my housing contract has ended, and this level of uncertainty is not really conducive to being a good leader.

I don’t want to leave my unit.  I feel like I have really achieved something here, and without all the hassle of the politics involved in working with adults, and I also feel really guilty about being the fourth leader to leave them in as many years.

That said, I am about to embark on what could be a really exciting start to my career, and I am worried that if I feel tied down to a specific location, I am going to be unwilling to take up some of the opportunities I could get.  I would love to go work in the US, even for a little bit.  While part of me is keen to stay in the UK, I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I let these chances pass me be.  It’s not as if I wouldn’t be able to volunteer in EMS elsewhere (even if I ultimately end up living outside the UK).

I think I’m going to have to have a long hard think about this, when all my university stuff is done, and I have a feeling I know what the answer will be.

It totally sucks, but I have a feeling I won’t be a youth leader for much longer.

An Update

I know I said I would do a series of posts on observations, and I still intend to, but at the moment real life is just getting in the way. This is just a quick update of what’s happening, and the next post will be about something I really need to get off of my chest.

So, I am rapidly approaching the end of my degree. My final report is due next Tuesday, and after the Thursday after that, I am done. Finished. Leaving my university and likely not coming back (except for graduation based stuff).

I’m not going to lie, it’s a scary prospect. Not accounting for my work placement, I’ve been in full-time education for 19 years. It is literally the only thing I can remember doing. As of September, I start on the beginning of what (at the moment, at least) will be a career in Engineering. Real engineering (it doesn’t get any more real than jet engines…), where the work I do actually has a real purpose.

I will be leaving behind what I know and am comfortable with, a huge number of my friends, and all the other benefits of student life. This is scary beyond belief…

In other news, I am currently bike-less again, as some idiot drove over the front wheel of my bike (fortunately while I wasn’t on it). Needless to say, this is very annoying, not least because I am currently sat on a bus that takes the most roundabout route home possible.

This year I am not going to the graduation ball. In fact, this is the first time since starting university that I’ve not been there in some kind of first aid capacity, and I have zero interest in going as a punter. I had intended to go as first aid, but I haven’t been asked yet, and the unit has upset one of my good friends, so we’ve decided to go on duty the next morning instead. The person who did the upsetting is now also not going, but I have managed to persuade my friend that it isn’t her problem any more (and so she doesn’t need to pick up the pieces after the very likely meltdown).

Speaking of meltdowns, the local adult division is currently having a very slow one. Three of the more progressive members have been made to feel very unwelcome, and so have walked away. As a result, their training program is steadily going down the pan, morale is going to drop (as people realise what they’ve lost), and its all going to go to hell. Of the units six-ish active ambulance qualified volunteers, they now have two actively refusing to do events, two prioritising county level events (me and CycleGuy), leaving two to (fail to) meet the units commitments (meaning other units have to help out).

On the bright side, my unit of young people is going strong.  We have just had a very successful sponsored walk (where I got to legitimately play tag for the first time since I left junior school), and have half a dozen things planned for the near future.

Work is still being its normal irritating self (but that’s retail for you), and I’m doing far too many hours for the Organisation (no change there, then), and for the most part I’m enjoying myself.

When things start settling down, I will try to post more frequency.  For now, I will get on when I can, and I’m still on Twitter (my lifeline when drowning in my project).

Now, to finish, another musical interlude.  Enjoy

Well I’ll Go to the Foot of the Stairs

Yesterday, after a rather dull afternoon on duty, I went out to a meal with a group of my Organisation friends.  Amongst them was one of the most senior uniformed members in the area.  Now, normally I get on very well with this person (who I will christen TopBoss, because the people above her don’t count…), but everything I have been hearing has suggested that she has been getting in the way of us taking the bikes and making them better.

Needless to say, bikes came up at the meal (as they do…), but, unexpectedly, it was TopBoss who brought them up.  By saying that she was getting us some shiny new equipment.  To be precise, a set of miniaturised medical gas bottles and a lightweight, compact defibrillator that’ll actually fit in the panniers properly. This is kit we’ve wanted for a long time, as it makes our lives so much easier on duty.  It’s only enough for one pair of bikes, but that’s a lot better than the nothing we expected to get.

It turns out, despite what we’ve thought, TopBoss is very much in favour of the bikes, but normally has too many other things she needs to buy to spare any money on a set of bikes that rarely get used.  Which is really good (and a great relief).

Of cause, this means we now have only one person to blame for the state of the bikes, but he’s someone we can’t do anything about until the restructuring happens.

Morale

Morale seems to have hit an all-time low in the adult branch of the Organisation recently (or more specifically in this county, I can’t really comment on anywhere else).  Attendance at duties is poor, attendance at training isn’t much better, my local Adult unit is about ready to tear itself apart and nobody can be bothered to change anything.  For someone like me, who is really passionate about my work with the Organisation, this sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that everything is going to collapse around my ears.  At present, we have far too much momentum to do that.  It’s just seeing all the wonderful things we could be doing, and all the effort that people at all levels are putting in, and it just getting bogged down in a marsh of apathy, really gets me down.

Take the bikes.  They are in dire need of some TLC, and the entire unit needs some strong leadership to get it back on its feet.  It’s holding on in there, but only because there’s a few of us who won’t let it lie down and die.  I know for a fact that there are people in positions of responsibility who would quite happily allow it to just fade away.  They are doing a wonderful job of not letting us change anything.

Part of the problem is that the Organisation is going to be going through a restructuring at some point in the next year.  Almost every position above unit leader level (like mine) will essentially be up for redefinition and reappointment, meaning that, when it’s all done, everything could change.  In principle this is fine.  It’ll mean a few fewer Chiefs, but most of us Indians won’t notice.  In fact, given some of the members of senior staff in county office (lead cyclist included…), this could be a very good thing.

Unfortunately, everyone is using this as a reason not to make any changes to anything, as it might get changed back again later.

In my mind, this is a crap response.  We shouldn’t be leaving things in a bad way, just in case our changes prove pointless.  These things need changing now, not in however many months time, and I really think that this is contributing to our problems.  County management don’t seem to care, so why should we lowly people on the ground (or on wheels, if your that way inclined…)  There are a few of us trying to sort things out, but we keep getting fobbed off with this excuse, and it’s starting to get old…

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And now, after that little rant, a musical interlude inspired by Zemanta‘s suggested links and tags:

Or if you have Spotify: All Time Low – Forget About It

Watch out, the video isn’t strictly safe for work (assuming your work even allows YouTube).

Perhaps I could make this a new feature…

Another Door Closes

Yesterday I emailed by project supervisor, who had been pestering me about doing a PhD.  I basically explained that I don’t currently want to do a PhD, and that I have been looking for and found a graduate job.

This was not an easy email to send.  Despite being pretty certain that I want to take up this job offer, a part of me won’t let up on pointing out that I am turning down an opportunity that may not come up again.

Looking at it, I see this:

• Doing a PhD allows me to pursue something I’m probably interested in, to a level further than anything else I can do on my own.
• Doing a PhD will mean I can call myself Dr, which is kind of cool (even if it’s Doctor of Philosophy)
• I will essentially be being paid to do a PhD, and so start working off some of the mountain of debt I seem to have acquired

However:

• I can earn twice as much doing a real job as I can doing a PhD
• I still don’t know if I want to stay in engineering, and if I don’t, this is another few years down the pan
• I can do a PhD later if I wish, so if I stay with engineering the opportunity probably isn’t gone forever
• Other than being slightly more prestigious, I don’t see any benefits that a PhD can give me that experience doing the job won’t

I’m not saying it would be easy to take up a PhD later, and I’m not saying that it would be a complete waste of time.  I’m sure that, if I actually went for it, it would probably be fun.  But that wouldn’t answer the question of whether or not I want to do the job. The only way I’m going to work this out is by giving the whole job thing a go.

I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t settle for a job I didn’t enjoy, just because it paid well.  I know full well that I can earn more as an engineer than as a nurse or a paramedic.  Perhaps if I was willing to go the whole hog and become a doctor of medicine it would be different, but I don’t, so that’s that.  I also know that as an engineer I’ll get nicer hours (or rather, not shift work), probably have a more comfortable life outside of work, and potentially be very successful.  However, none of this means very much if I don’t enjoy my work.  I’m sure I can live a comfortable and happy personal life on a nurse’s wage, and if I enjoy work more as well I think I’ll be better off.

And because of this, I won’t change my plans.  I will give engineering its chance.  I’ve invested too much into it now to not, and all this disenchantment may just be from uni course burnout.  However, if a couple of years down the line I decide that enough is enough, I will move on and do something else. And, in the mean time, I will work to put myself in the best possible position at that time.

I just have to keep reminding myself that while I might be passing up opportunities now, it’s all so that I can keep my options wider in the future.

An Update

So, I think I should do a bit of an update.

I’m currently in the middle of my final ever exams at Uni. I’ve done one, and have another three to go. I’m a bit stressed, as you can imagine.

It goes without saying that all the depression and anxiety are acting up, with all the problems that entails, not least because I still haven’t got around to doing anything about it…

On the bright side, I have just received confirmation that I have a graduate job with a big engineering company, doing pretty much the engineering I think I want to do. How it pans out remains to be seen, but at least its something to go in to while I worry about everything else. My plan has always been to get a graduate job, and then see what happens next. I can still go into nursing (or something else) later if things don’t work out, and in the meantime I can build up my savings, ready to go back to uni if the need arises.

Typically, now I’ve got this all sorted, I’ve got my project supervisor pestering me about doing a PhD with the uni. I’ll admit, the idea is slightly attractive, but not enough to make me abandon my longterm plans. I can’t justify further expense that could be on a doctorate in something I’m not that interested in as a career ( and I have no desire to be an academic…)

With the Organisation, it feels like we’re on the verge of mutiny with the local Adults. One member (who I have already introduced as CycleGuy) has jumped ship to join my youth unit, and the feeling is growing that two more may be planning to leave.  To add to this, I have heard through the grapevine that the Adult leader may want a word with me about ‘stealing’ CycleGuy, after having both of us make it clear to him that the unit he held his membership at was his choice, and neither of I nor the Adult leader minded what he chose.  The fact that CycleGuy and I both found this out through a third member doesn’t help the matter.  Needless to say CycleGuy is slightly miffed (and I’m far from impressed).

I also know that CycleGuy (as well as HistStudent) wants to become my 2IC.  I am a little sceptical, mainly because I worry that he doesn’t have the Youth Work experience, but my alternative is HistStudent who I know (at a gut level that is difficult to explain in words) would be wrong for the position.  I have been putting off re-opening the position (long story…) because I can’t really face the interviews and the stress they’ll cause, but I don’t think it can wait any longer.  I could be off for good in a few months time (sad times ), and someone needs to know what to do if I go.

I think that’s a catch-up of everything that’s been going on over here.  I have an exam tomorrow, so I can’t stay up too much later.  Fortunately I’m reasonably confident about this one (at least, everything is making sense).

Hitting the Speed Bumps

Image via Wikipedia

As an organisation (or, at least, in my part of the organisation), we are very keen at helping out the local ambulance service. By this I mean we will send out crews on ambulances (and occasionally on bikes) to help the service respond to 999 calls. Understandably, this could only be done by experienced members, and one of the criteria for the ambulance work was a certain number of hours third crewing on those shifts. This means working with two experienced members to build up some experience dealing with patients potentially more serious than anything I’ve ever dealt with before, which I’m strongly in favour of.  I don’t think I’d be happy going out on a shift without doing this first.

Unfortunately, since I qualified, it is no longer possible to third crew on any of our vehicles. Something to do with weight limits on the vehicles (which, given many of them are  transit vans modified into ambulances, not necessarily their original design role). This is very frustrating for me, as it means I can’t gain the experience needed to do NHS support.

To make matters worse, there are very few of us in this position (probably about 3 or 4), and so nobody at county level cares enough to do something about it. As far as they’re concerned, there are enough people to cover the shifts, and so there isn’t a problem.  This leaves me, and those few others, in a catch-22 situation: without having the needed experience, we aren’t able to gain the experience.

Needless to say, this is very frustrating.

A little while back, there was a possible solution. Our CRU lead sent us an email looking for interest in doing NHS cover on the bikes over Christmas. The roads get very busy in BigCity when everyone is doing their Christmas shopping, and the bikes can get around a lot easier than road ambulances. A load of us (apparently) applied, and it looked like it would go ahead. I even delayed heading home for Christmas around this.  A couple of us entertained the thought that this might count towards us getting some experience towards the ambulance work.

Of cause, it never happened. And we only found that out for certain a couple of days before the period was due to end. The reasons given was lack of  interest (yeah right), other duty commitments (*looks at depressingly empty duties book*) and lack of funding (*sigh*). Some of the more cynical amongst us suspect our useless County CRU lead is also to blame, but ho-hum.

All I’ve got to hope, in the nicest possible way to my patients, is that I get something interesting to do on the normal shift. Which, given my track record on a vehicle (nine or ten shifts, one patient transported for a minor injury) seems rather unlikely.  The only time I might have had an interesting job, someone kicked me off my truck (story to follow).

I think, as far as possible, I’ll try to stick with the bikes. At least on them I get something to do (and some useful exercise), giving me some experience treating, even if it’s not transporting someone…

My friend and I are already planning what out of county events we want to do.  Hopefully we’ll have a good yeah helping out our colleagues in the big city. At least there they know how well a bike unit can work…

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• Ambulance Excitement (walkingplasterdispenser.wordpress.com)

The Deadline Arrives

Well, the deadline has arrived, and still two of my members haven’t got hold of me.  I had a chat with LittlePara (my new boss) yesterday, and we decided that it would be best to send in what I have, and then send their bits when I get them.

We may be lucky.  I doubt my two people are the only ones who will get their details in late, and LittlePara and I both think that the deadline will probably get pushed back to accommodate this.  If it doesn’t, well, I’m going to have some very unhappy members when next year comes around.

I’ve done all I can.  I suppose now I just have to wait and see…

The Inside Story

It is difficult to describe what it is like, the low mood and other things I’m feeling right now.  It is difficult to imagine (even for me), which makes it hard for people to empathise, (or more importantly for me, understand).

It’s not just feeling sad, though that is definitely part of it.  Everyone feels sad from time to time, and most people get through it without it being a problem.  It’s also not just feeling lethargic, or lazy, or just not bothering to do anything.  Again, everyone gets days like these.

But, in my case at least, it’s not just feeling sad all of the time. And it’s not just feeling apathetic all of the time and accepting it. It’s more than that. At least these would be something concrete to fight against.

For me, it’s somewhere in between. Some days I feel fine. If I keep myself busy, through myself in to my work with the Organisation, get lost in a good book, or am snowed under with work, it seems to go away. I don’t really want to get up every morning, but I know that if I do I’ll get out of the house, get paid, and be able to do important things like eat for another month. On a good day I’ll be full of energy, whipping around the house, tidying, finishing paperwork, generally getting things done. On a good day I can achieve a lot, and by keeping myself busy I don’t give myself time to sit and mope. Through me in to the deep end of an event, and I’ll be so busy doing things I enjoy that I won’t notice it’s been a good day until it’s over. For a while I’ll forget.

On a bad day, it goes completely the other way. I’ll sit on the sofa, mope around and do nothing. I’ll have work satin front of me, waiting for me to finish it, and I’ll just put it aside and pretend I’m busy. It’s not even just procrastination, just a complete lack of motivation. Given half a chance, I’ll spend the morning in bed, only getting up when I’m seriously hungry. I won’t eat properly, snacking on stupid things because I can’t muster the motivation to cook properly. I won’t bother to shower. I’ll generally neglect myself, leaving everything I can get away with. If I bully myself enough, and I have a close enough deadline, I might get a little work done, but only enough to scrape through. It’ll be a struggle to even get that done without putting it off.

And to top it all off, most of the time I’ll just sit and think. Mostly about how rubbish I’m being, and how I need to get stuff done. Things will go around and around like how I’m a useless Youth Leader, a rubbish engineer who’ll never enjoy his work, anything that’s getting me down. I’ll beat myself up over every little mistake I’ve ever made, agonising over how I should have done it differently, and imagining terrible consequences for it all.

Which is when the harming tends to come in. I try to keep myself away from things that can seriously hurt me. I’ve never done myself serious damage. I don’t plan to allow myself the opportunity to start. I almost allow myself the small things, as a pressure release, to stop things building up. It’s not good, it’s not a solution, but under the circumstances, I can think of worse things.

If I can muster the motivation, and I have the time, I try to go for a cycle ride at this time. A bit of mindless cycling, having to concentrate on everything going on around me and not what’s going on in my head helps a little, at least for a while.

I need someone to talk to. Someone I can sit down in front of, real out everything to, and get some honest advice (and probably a kick up the backside) in return. The problem is, everyone who really meets those requirements is an Organisation member, and so immediately I run them in to a difficult position. And of cause, even the thought of this is enough for me to not talk to them, because I don’t want to drag someone else down with me.

And so the cycle goes around and around. I am desperately trying to get myself sorted, but time and again the general lack of motivation defeats me. I’ve got to keep trying and keep trying, and hope this won’t beat me.

No, that is the wrong attitude.

This won’t beat me. I won’t let it.

I can’t let it.

Related articles

• Mental Health – Continued (walkingplasterdispenser.wordpress.com)

Low Morale – Again

And yet again, the politics and the inertia of the Organisation takes a hit.  Not with me this time, but with one of my friends.  He and I have been doing a fair few out of county events to get some responding experience, and the main reason: there are next to no events we can go to in our own county.  It’s been good fun, and a good experience to see how other areas cover their events.

This has the side effect that we’ve seen how good some of the other units can get, and quite how far behind in development ours is.  It’s a bit depressing knowing that we’ve got so few events people are fighting over them, when other units have more events than they can cover.  It’s also sad to see how not-seriously people are taking our bikes, and the general neglect they’ve received in comparison with some of the others I’ve ridden over the past fortnight.  I know they aren’t as flash as our fancy front-line ambulances, but they are important and useful in their own right (and would be more so if they were properly maintained).  At the moment, we daren’t take them out of county, they are so sub-standard.

Don’t get me wrong.  For the most part they are safe to use and they do the job.  Well, for the most part…  The problem is that they are older than average, have previously been poorly maintained, and the unit doesn’t currently support itself financially so none of this is likely to change any time soon.  The unit has just gained a load of new and keen members, but there is no so much inertia over change, and so many blocks in our way, we’ve got a lot to deal with to get things up to scratch.

I hope that things will get sorted.  We have the enthusiasm.  We have the ideas.  Now we just need to get the money, and the support from above, and we might get moving.

Why does everything in a volunteer organisation have such inertia…