So, despite fiddling with settings and ensuring that all posts from this blog were directed to the Walking Plaster Dispenser page instead of my own personal timeline, WordPress yet again posted a status message onto my timeline. Thankfully I spotted this one significantly faster than last time, thought not before at least one person came this way.
If you are them, I’ll point you in the direction of this post, and say no more…
In order to ensure that this doesn’t happen again, I have severed all connections between Facebook and this blog. Seeing as I can’t trust WordPress not to cock it up again, this is the only real option I have to avoid dumping myself in the brown and sticky stuff. Again… As a result, I’ve also taken down the Page (not that it was every particularly successful or useful).
If you still want to follow me, I’m still on Twitter, and there is always the RSS and email feeds.
Morale
Morale seems to have hit an all-time low in the adult branch of the Organisation recently (or more specifically in this county, I can’t really comment on anywhere else). Attendance at duties is poor, attendance at training isn’t much better, my local Adult unit is about ready to tear itself apart and nobody can be bothered to change anything. For someone like me, who is really passionate about my work with the Organisation, this sucks.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not worried that everything is going to collapse around my ears. At present, we have far too much momentum to do that. It’s just seeing all the wonderful things we could be doing, and all the effort that people at all levels are putting in, and it just getting bogged down in a marsh of apathy, really gets me down.
Take the bikes. They are in dire need of some TLC, and the entire unit needs some strong leadership to get it back on its feet. It’s holding on in there, but only because there’s a few of us who won’t let it lie down and die. I know for a fact that there are people in positions of responsibility who would quite happily allow it to just fade away. They are doing a wonderful job of not letting us change anything.
Part of the problem is that the Organisation is going to be going through a restructuring at some point in the next year. Almost every position above unit leader level (like mine) will essentially be up for redefinition and reappointment, meaning that, when it’s all done, everything could change. In principle this is fine. It’ll mean a few fewer Chiefs, but most of us Indians won’t notice. In fact, given some of the members of senior staff in county office (lead cyclist included…), this could be a very good thing.
Unfortunately, everyone is using this as a reason not to make any changes to anything, as it might get changed back again later.
In my mind, this is a crap response. We shouldn’t be leaving things in a bad way, just in case our changes prove pointless. These things need changing now, not in however many months time, and I really think that this is contributing to our problems. County management don’t seem to care, so why should we lowly people on the ground (or on wheels, if your that way inclined…) There are a few of us trying to sort things out, but we keep getting fobbed off with this excuse, and it’s starting to get old…
And now, after that little rant, a musical interlude inspired by Zemanta‘s suggested links and tags:
Or if you have Spotify: All Time Low – Forget About It
Watch out, the video isn’t strictly safe for work (assuming your work even allows YouTube).
Perhaps I could make this a new feature…
An Update
So, I think I should do a bit of an update.
I’m currently in the middle of my final ever exams at Uni. I’ve done one, and have another three to go. I’m a bit stressed, as you can imagine.
It goes without saying that all the depression and anxiety are acting up, with all the problems that entails, not least because I still haven’t got around to doing anything about it…
On the bright side, I have just received confirmation that I have a graduate job with a big engineering company, doing pretty much the engineering I think I want to do. How it pans out remains to be seen, but at least its something to go in to while I worry about everything else. My plan has always been to get a graduate job, and then see what happens next. I can still go into nursing (or something else) later if things don’t work out, and in the meantime I can build up my savings, ready to go back to uni if the need arises.
Typically, now I’ve got this all sorted, I’ve got my project supervisor pestering me about doing a PhD with the uni. I’ll admit, the idea is slightly attractive, but not enough to make me abandon my longterm plans. I can’t justify further expense that could be on a doctorate in something I’m not that interested in as a career ( and I have no desire to be an academic…)
With the Organisation, it feels like we’re on the verge of mutiny with the local Adults. One member (who I have already introduced as CycleGuy) has jumped ship to join my youth unit, and the feeling is growing that two more may be planning to leave. To add to this, I have heard through the grapevine that the Adult leader may want a word with me about ‘stealing’ CycleGuy, after having both of us make it clear to him that the unit he held his membership at was his choice, and neither of I nor the Adult leader minded what he chose. The fact that CycleGuy and I both found this out through a third member doesn’t help the matter. Needless to say CycleGuy is slightly miffed (and I’m far from impressed).
I also know that CycleGuy (as well as HistStudent) wants to become my 2IC. I am a little sceptical, mainly because I worry that he doesn’t have the Youth Work experience, but my alternative is HistStudent who I know (at a gut level that is difficult to explain in words) would be wrong for the position. I have been putting off re-opening the position (long story…) because I can’t really face the interviews and the stress they’ll cause, but I don’t think it can wait any longer. I could be off for good in a few months time (sad times 
), and someone needs to know what to do if I go.
I think that’s a catch-up of everything that’s been going on over here. I have an exam tomorrow, so I can’t stay up too much later. Fortunately I’m reasonably confident about this one (at least, everything is making sense).
Like this:
Micro-Youth Work-Rant
It’s now confirmed. I am now an Assistant Leader down, and there is probably nothing I can do about it.
Of cause, he hasn’t actually had the courtesy to phone me, or email me, or otherwise get in touch, electronically or otherwise. Nope, I have found this out by him not turning up to the meeting today. Oh, and he’s updated his current location on Facebook to somewhere suitably distant from here.
Needless to say, I am furious. Not only did he put me in a position where, if I hadn’t heard rumours, I would have been an adult down on an already hard day, as well as nearly landing me without any session next week, I think it’s just downright rude. How difficult is it for him to send me some form of message, explaining that he couldn’t come down any more.
As an aside, this has probably ruined any chance of me getting a decent night’s sleep, which is just what I need when I have work tomorrow…
A New Term Begins
Somehow, the summer holiday has flown past, and the new school year has started. This evening, I have the first Youth group meeting of the academic year. I’m not sure if I’m more glad that we’re back, or nervous that it’s all going to go wrong. It’s been an interesting year already, and it’s only just started…
A couple of days ago, I discovered that it is likely that I’m an adult down this week. And not just any adult, but my Assistant Leader. This is not helpful. Of cause, I don’t know if this is true, because I haven’t spoken to him since the end of term, and isn’t answering my calls or returning my messages. In fact, very few people have heard from him recently, and then only when he didn’t have their number. This is less than useful, as it means I’m now just below the ratio I need to run the unit properly (though Safeguarding have said it’s not a major issue, as long as it doesn’t last too long)…
This also means that I now have to run one of the subjects this term. Which I didn’t want to do. Okay, I might enjoy teaching, but I really could do with the time to deal with the other parts of my role, like the paperwork, the dealing with parents, and all the other bits of day-to-day running that it would be good to do while everyone is worrying about keeping the young people busy.
On the bright side, I now have three non-commissioned officers to help me out. These are young people who are given greater leadership and organisational responsibility within the unit, to give them new experiences, and to give us adults a hand. I plan to hand off a reasonable chunk of work to them, in the hope that they can get on with it with minimal supervision, and so make it less of a problem that I’m an adult down. I have a meeting with them tonight, and hopefully I will soon have someone responsible for getting our members out to events, someone else responsible for maintaining uniform standards, and another person to help maintain discipline, as well as supervising the other two and helping out with the training.
Now I just have to write my lesson plans, advertise for a new adult and a new Assistant Leader, as well as all the normal new year stuff that will likely take ages.
Sounds like fun…
The Deadline Arrives
Well, the deadline has arrived, and still two of my members haven’t got hold of me. I had a chat with LittlePara (my new boss) yesterday, and we decided that it would be best to send in what I have, and then send their bits when I get them.
We may be lucky. I doubt my two people are the only ones who will get their details in late, and LittlePara and I both think that the deadline will probably get pushed back to accommodate this. If it doesn’t, well, I’m going to have some very unhappy members when next year comes around.
I’ve done all I can. I suppose now I just have to wait and see…
The Inside Story
It is difficult to describe what it is like, the low mood and other things I’m feeling right now. It is difficult to imagine (even for me), which makes it hard for people to empathise, (or more importantly for me, understand).
It’s not just feeling sad, though that is definitely part of it. Everyone feels sad from time to time, and most people get through it without it being a problem. It’s also not just feeling lethargic, or lazy, or just not bothering to do anything. Again, everyone gets days like these.
But, in my case at least, it’s not just feeling sad all of the time. And it’s not just feeling apathetic all of the time and accepting it. It’s more than that. At least these would be something concrete to fight against.
For me, it’s somewhere in between. Some days I feel fine. If I keep myself busy, through myself in to my work with the Organisation, get lost in a good book, or am snowed under with work, it seems to go away. I don’t really want to get up every morning, but I know that if I do I’ll get out of the house, get paid, and be able to do important things like eat for another month. On a good day I’ll be full of energy, whipping around the house, tidying, finishing paperwork, generally getting things done. On a good day I can achieve a lot, and by keeping myself busy I don’t give myself time to sit and mope. Through me in to the deep end of an event, and I’ll be so busy doing things I enjoy that I won’t notice it’s been a good day until it’s over. For a while I’ll forget.
On a bad day, it goes completely the other way. I’ll sit on the sofa, mope around and do nothing. I’ll have work satin front of me, waiting for me to finish it, and I’ll just put it aside and pretend I’m busy. It’s not even just procrastination, just a complete lack of motivation. Given half a chance, I’ll spend the morning in bed, only getting up when I’m seriously hungry. I won’t eat properly, snacking on stupid things because I can’t muster the motivation to cook properly. I won’t bother to shower. I’ll generally neglect myself, leaving everything I can get away with. If I bully myself enough, and I have a close enough deadline, I might get a little work done, but only enough to scrape through. It’ll be a struggle to even get that done without putting it off.
And to top it all off, most of the time I’ll just sit and think. Mostly about how rubbish I’m being, and how I need to get stuff done. Things will go around and around like how I’m a useless Youth Leader, a rubbish engineer who’ll never enjoy his work, anything that’s getting me down. I’ll beat myself up over every little mistake I’ve ever made, agonising over how I should have done it differently, and imagining terrible consequences for it all.
Which is when the harming tends to come in. I try to keep myself away from things that can seriously hurt me. I’ve never done myself serious damage. I don’t plan to allow myself the opportunity to start. I almost allow myself the small things, as a pressure release, to stop things building up. It’s not good, it’s not a solution, but under the circumstances, I can think of worse things.
If I can muster the motivation, and I have the time, I try to go for a cycle ride at this time. A bit of mindless cycling, having to concentrate on everything going on around me and not what’s going on in my head helps a little, at least for a while.
I need someone to talk to. Someone I can sit down in front of, real out everything to, and get some honest advice (and probably a kick up the backside) in return. The problem is, everyone who really meets those requirements is an Organisation member, and so immediately I run them in to a difficult position. And of cause, even the thought of this is enough for me to not talk to them, because I don’t want to drag someone else down with me.
And so the cycle goes around and around. I am desperately trying to get myself sorted, but time and again the general lack of motivation defeats me. I’ve got to keep trying and keep trying, and hope this won’t beat me.
No, that is the wrong attitude.
This won’t beat me. I won’t let it.
I can’t let it.
Related articles
- Mental Health – Continued (walkingplasterdispenser.wordpress.com)
Miscellaneous Rants
I’m feeling a little frazzled at the moment, so am struggling to compile any one thing in to a post. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness. Sorry…
Work is being stupid again. After trying to lay me off once (and nobody has admitted they were responsible for that monumental cock-up), they now have us working over the bank holiday weekend and through a University holiday (not just a student one, the entire uni, in theory, is shut) while they go off and have a holiday. They’ve left one poor unfortunate soul to try to sort everything out. I’ve tried to help, spotting a couple of things that appeared to be wrong, and in thanks I got ignored, then shouted down (irritating) and finally patronised (infuriating). In the end they listened, but only after someone else joined in with me, and we finally got on.
Next, I’m trying to organise Organisation stuff against a close and inflexible deadline, and I need two people to get in touch with me. I’ve emailed, I’ve called them half a dozen times each and I still haven’t had a reply. If I don’t hear back, it’s very likely that they’ll not be able to go on duty next year. This will not make me popular. Well, it’s that or I try to guess clothing sizes, which probably won’t end well…
Next is my house-mate again. This time he’s brought someone over (without mentioning it to me…) and is continuing to attempt to impose his taste in everything on me. So far he’s tried to change how I cook my food (and what I eat), the sort of TV I watch, the sort of films I want to watch (for the thousandth time, I am NOT interested in that comedy) and he doesn’t seem to get that I’m just not interested. He also complains when I go and hide away in my room to get some peace and quiet, whines when I don’t drop everything and answer my phone when he’s calling and doesn’t seem to get that we don’t have a huge amount in common. Not to mention that continuous complaints when my cooking/eating stuff is dirty and he wants to eat (and can’t be bothered to dig out his own) or to wash it up himself. Sufficed to say, this is going to be an interesting year…
Oh yeah, and all this stuff is starting to get me down again, and I’m getting stressed and losing faith in my ability to cope, and then call myself stupid because I know I can cope, and it all breaks down in to an argument of the level of ‘I know you are, so what am I’ running through my head.
Yeah… I seemed to have developed a comma splice… Never mind…
Time to go buy some ice cream, hide in my room, and hope everything goes away.
And then get very busy tomorrow when it doesn’t…
Low Morale – Again
And yet again, the politics and the inertia of the Organisation takes a hit. Not with me this time, but with one of my friends. He and I have been doing a fair few out of county events to get some responding experience, and the main reason: there are next to no events we can go to in our own county. It’s been good fun, and a good experience to see how other areas cover their events.
This has the side effect that we’ve seen how good some of the other units can get, and quite how far behind in development ours is. It’s a bit depressing knowing that we’ve got so few events people are fighting over them, when other units have more events than they can cover. It’s also sad to see how not-seriously people are taking our bikes, and the general neglect they’ve received in comparison with some of the others I’ve ridden over the past fortnight. I know they aren’t as flash as our fancy front-line ambulances, but they are important and useful in their own right (and would be more so if they were properly maintained). At the moment, we daren’t take them out of county, they are so sub-standard.
Don’t get me wrong. For the most part they are safe to use and they do the job. Well, for the most part… The problem is that they are older than average, have previously been poorly maintained, and the unit doesn’t currently support itself financially so none of this is likely to change any time soon. The unit has just gained a load of new and keen members, but there is no so much inertia over change, and so many blocks in our way, we’ve got a lot to deal with to get things up to scratch.
I hope that things will get sorted. We have the enthusiasm. We have the ideas. Now we just need to get the money, and the support from above, and we might get moving.
Why does everything in a volunteer organisation have such inertia…
Things Fall Apart
The Youth Team in my region of the Organisation seems to be on the verge falling apart. TheBoss is still my immediate line manager, but we’re short staffed at her level, leaving some units without direct support. Her line manager has just put in their resignation and their counterpart for the younger youth groups (5-10, while my lot are 10-18) has been promoted to fill the gap of senior youth officer, leaving nobody at that level. Oh yes, and we’re always short of people at the local unit level. I could do with an extra female helper (having only one is a pain when I’m supposed to have at least one man and one woman at every meeting), and other units are desperately short of helpers, or even have no appointed Leader (my role).
It may be okay, but it’ll all depend on how well the new senior youth officer gets on with the older youth groups. It sounds a little cynical, or perhaps I mean paranoid, but last time we were short members of county staff that I was involved with (while still at the University unit) every unit they were responsible got close to collapsing. They’re just starting to recover now, but it’s taken a couple of years.
We should be okay for the moment. We’ve got enough momentum to keep going for a while yet, and as I said, TheBoss is still around, but it doesn’t do a great deal to douse the sense of impending doom. Hopefully it’s just the depression talking, but the way the Organisation feels like it’s going at the moment, I have a feeling it’s going to be a rough few months.
