Facebook

So, despite fiddling with settings and ensuring that all posts from this blog were directed to the Walking Plaster Dispenser page instead of my own personal timeline, WordPress yet again posted a status message onto my timeline.  Thankfully I spotted this one significantly faster than last time, thought not before at least one person came this way.

If you are them, I’ll point you in the direction of this post, and say no more…

In order to ensure that this doesn’t happen again, I have severed all connections between Facebook and this blog.  Seeing as I can’t trust WordPress not to cock it up again, this is the only real option I have to avoid dumping myself in the brown and sticky stuff. Again…  As a result, I’ve also taken down the Page (not that it was every particularly successful or useful).

If you still want to follow me, I’m still on Twitter, and there is always the RSS and email feeds.

Recent Facebook Post

This is aimed at everyone who has come this way via a recent post that appeared on my personal Facebook timeline.  If you didn’t come here from there, you can ignore this if you wish.

My previous post from this evening showed up in my personal Facebook timeline instead of the blog’s Facebook page.  This was an accident.

As I hope you have guessed, as at least one of you has wandered around this website, this blog is intended to be a semi-anonymous place for me to write whatever I feel like.  I have posted things on here that I do not wish to be made public knowledge just yet.  I would also draw your attention to page where it points out that half the stuff on here is made up.  Stories that you think you might recognise may not tally with what we may have discussed while sharing our ‘war stories’.

I have changed my settings so that this won’t happen again, and completely removed the post from Facebook.  I’m not going to ask you to forget what you’ve read.  You can keep reading if you want (though, keep in mind I tend to be very honest, and so may say things you won’t like to read).  Alternatively, you can put it all out of your mind.

What I will ask is that you please respect my desire for anonymity, and keep whatever you read to yourself.  If you try to discuss this in front of other people, I will deny that I have any idea what you are going on about.  This isn’t because I’m ashamed of what I’ve written, or because I don’t believe in what I write or do.  It’s because I genuinely believe this is the best way for me to operate this blog, to avoid getting myself into trouble, to protect my friends and my patients, and to ensure I don’t unintentionally the organisation I volunteer for into disrepute.

I hope you understand this.

My Future as a Leader

As I have mentioned a few times now, I am currently the leader of the local Organisation unit for young people.  This means I am in charge of two other adults and twenty 10-18 year-olds, and am somehow responsible for making sure they become disciplined, confident and well-rounded individuals (which most of them are).

Now, I have been a member of this organisation for just under five years.  The first three-ish years were spent in the university unit, which was fun at first, but in the end I had a falling out with two of the more influential members, and it became more trouble than it was worth to stay put.  Somehow, I convinced myself (and was convinced) that it would be a good idea to work with young people, and I transferred to, and eventually ended up leading, the my current unit.  In short, this was the best thing I could ever have done.  While trying not to be over-dramatic, I am convinced that, had I stayed at the University unit, I would since have left the organisation, or at the very least be very fed up.  Instead, I have had two of the most enjoyable years of my life, and I have grown very attached to all of the young people I work with.

Unfortunately, now that I am graduating, life gets more interesting.  With my upcoming graduate program, I could end up changing where I am working every three months.  I could end up spending three months working in the US, or Germany, or anywhere else that my company operates in. Add on to the fact that I won’t know where my first placement is until after my housing contract has ended, and this level of uncertainty is not really conducive to being a good leader.

I don’t want to leave my unit.  I feel like I have really achieved something here, and without all the hassle of the politics involved in working with adults, and I also feel really guilty about being the fourth leader to leave them in as many years.

That said, I am about to embark on what could be a really exciting start to my career, and I am worried that if I feel tied down to a specific location, I am going to be unwilling to take up some of the opportunities I could get.  I would love to go work in the US, even for a little bit.  While part of me is keen to stay in the UK, I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I let these chances pass me be.  It’s not as if I wouldn’t be able to volunteer in EMS elsewhere (even if I ultimately end up living outside the UK).

I think I’m going to have to have a long hard think about this, when all my university stuff is done, and I have a feeling I know what the answer will be.

It totally sucks, but I have a feeling I won’t be a youth leader for much longer.

An Update

I know I said I would do a series of posts on observations, and I still intend to, but at the moment real life is just getting in the way. This is just a quick update of what’s happening, and the next post will be about something I really need to get off of my chest.

So, I am rapidly approaching the end of my degree. My final report is due next Tuesday, and after the Thursday after that, I am done. Finished. Leaving my university and likely not coming back (except for graduation based stuff).

I’m not going to lie, it’s a scary prospect. Not accounting for my work placement, I’ve been in full-time education for 19 years. It is literally the only thing I can remember doing. As of September, I start on the beginning of what (at the moment, at least) will be a career in Engineering. Real engineering (it doesn’t get any more real than jet engines…), where the work I do actually has a real purpose.

I will be leaving behind what I know and am comfortable with, a huge number of my friends, and all the other benefits of student life. This is scary beyond belief…

In other news, I am currently bike-less again, as some idiot drove over the front wheel of my bike (fortunately while I wasn’t on it). Needless to say, this is very annoying, not least because I am currently sat on a bus that takes the most roundabout route home possible.

This year I am not going to the graduation ball. In fact, this is the first time since starting university that I’ve not been there in some kind of first aid capacity, and I have zero interest in going as a punter. I had intended to go as first aid, but I haven’t been asked yet, and the unit has upset one of my good friends, so we’ve decided to go on duty the next morning instead. The person who did the upsetting is now also not going, but I have managed to persuade my friend that it isn’t her problem any more (and so she doesn’t need to pick up the pieces after the very likely meltdown).

Speaking of meltdowns, the local adult division is currently having a very slow one. Three of the more progressive members have been made to feel very unwelcome, and so have walked away. As a result, their training program is steadily going down the pan, morale is going to drop (as people realise what they’ve lost), and its all going to go to hell. Of the units six-ish active ambulance qualified volunteers, they now have two actively refusing to do events, two prioritising county level events (me and CycleGuy), leaving two to (fail to) meet the units commitments (meaning other units have to help out).

On the bright side, my unit of young people is going strong.  We have just had a very successful sponsored walk (where I got to legitimately play tag for the first time since I left junior school), and have half a dozen things planned for the near future.

Work is still being its normal irritating self (but that’s retail for you), and I’m doing far too many hours for the Organisation (no change there, then), and for the most part I’m enjoying myself.

When things start settling down, I will try to post more frequency.  For now, I will get on when I can, and I’m still on Twitter (my lifeline when drowning in my project).

Now, to finish, another musical interlude.  Enjoy

Anonymous Blogging

I wrote about this a while back, but I am having serious thoughts about my pseudo-anonymous blogging policy.

Under no circumstances am I going to give out my real name, or where these events happen in the country.  That’s too much of a risk to me, and makes it more difficult to protect the confidentiality of my patients.  If someone seriously wants to find these things out, they probably can, but even if they do I have plausible deniability on my side (the fictionalised elements of all my treatment stories also seriously help), if nothing else.

That said, I have had serious thoughts about revealing who I volunteer for.  I recognise that it puts me in a compromising situation, I certainly haven’t pulled my punches on here.  However, it also lets me openly support some of the wonderful work and campaigns the Organisation run.  And while I know my comments aren’t going to make a real different to the Organisation, I do recognise that even little things can have far-reaching and unintended consequences.

I think (after actually writing this out) I might leave things as they are for the moment.  Reading back, my reasons for changing just aren’t strong, while my reasons for staying the same (not least, patient confidentiality) are.  Sounds like a conclusion to me.

Automated External Defibrillators

Image via Wikipedia

An automated external defibrillator is a device designed to take a heart rhythm not suitable for sustaining life and converting it into one that is more useful. They work much like restarting your computer when it crashes: turning it off and on again. Contrary to popular belief, they can’t restart a heart, so they aren’t especially useful when the heart has stopped, but, for a couple of relatively common abnormal rhythms, they can be very effective.

Now I am very much in favour of everyone receiving emergency first aid training. I strongly think the national curriculum should include first aid, and think everyone should consider doing a first aid course at least every three years (they aren’t particularly expensive, if you stick to the basics). I also think public access AEDs are a wonderful idea, especially as it is almost impossible to hurt someone with one.  With the emergency services giving instructions, they can become a valuable part of the chain of survival.  A lot of research has shown that, along with early effective CPR, the early use of an AED can improve the chances of a patient who isn’t breathing.

In summary, AEDs are great things and I think they should be as widely accessible as possible. However, I do have a bit of an issue with a policy the Organisation is about to bring in.

By the end of the year, all our uniformed adult members will have an AED qualification.  This is good.

By the end of the year, all young people over the age of 11 will also have an AED qualification.  This I’m not to keen on.

It is all very well teaching these children (and let’s not forget that they are children, not little adults) CPR and other life-saving skills.  In my mind, this allows them to approach a scene with the confidence to deal with whatever they find until backup (in the form of an adult, ideally an adult first aider) gets there.  Part of the protocol for a patient who requires resuscitation is to summon an AED and someone who can use it.

In principle, giving these young people this extra skill is fine.  They can’t really hurt themselves with the AED (short of hitting themselves over the head with it) and it could help save someone’s life.  On paper, that’s brilliant, but, if you think the entire scenario through, there are real issues here.

You are expecting this 11-year-old child, who may have never known someone who to die and has probably never seen someone this unwell, to take charge of this scene and deal with it. This includes handling with the emotional family member, the do-gooder who’s just getting in your way and the wanna-be doctor who tells you that you’re doing it all wrong.  Not to mention calling the ambulance, working out how they are going to get to the patient, and everything else that needs doing when you are the one taking charge of the scene.  And don’t forget, they’ve got to deal with their own emotions, both now and once the adrenaline has worn off, and they probably won’t think to call the youth leader, who has access to the brilliant support structure in place in the Organisation for just such a situation.  In some cases, even their parents won’t know anything until someone spots something on Facebook and passes it on.

And what if the patient doesn’t survive?  What if the paramedic (perhaps quite rightly) calls the patient on scene.  Imagine the harm that could do to the young person, knowing they’ve ‘failed’.

The first step on my plan of what to do if one of my young people present at a critical incident is get them to a safe place as far away as possible from the incident.  The next step is to activate that support structure, get the parents involved, and have a good long chat with the young person to ensure that they are okay.  If I allowed them to remain at the incident, I’d get strung up, and rightly so.  There is a reason we train them all to get help straight away.

I know that this is a bit of a ‘think of the children’ argument, and perhaps you think I’m doing them a bit of a disservice.  People die, despite our best efforts, and this is one probably of the hardest lessons to learn when trained to the level we aim for. Thankfully, patients of this severity are rare but it does still happen, and we try to ensure our older, more emotionally mature young people realise this.  However, in the main, the patients they see will be fine.  They might not be very well, but they’ll recover, and what we do will be useful.  This is what I stress to my charges, as I want them to feel proud of what they do, to know that their skills are useful and that their input is valuable.  After all, this is why they have joined the Organisation. This is why we all joined the Organisation.

Don’t get me wrong, I think some of my youth members might be able to deal with a resus and come out shining. Unfortunately, they are in the minority, and we have to cater for everyone.

This training will almost certainly go ahead, and despite my misgivings my young members will have the same access to it as everyone else.  This has been decided at a level high above my line of management.  Hopefully none of my young people will have to use it.  Hopefully, if they do, they’ll talk to someone afterwards.

Another Door Closes

Yesterday I emailed by project supervisor, who had been pestering me about doing a PhD.  I basically explained that I don’t currently want to do a PhD, and that I have been looking for and found a graduate job.

This was not an easy email to send.  Despite being pretty certain that I want to take up this job offer, a part of me won’t let up on pointing out that I am turning down an opportunity that may not come up again.

Looking at it, I see this:

• Doing a PhD allows me to pursue something I’m probably interested in, to a level further than anything else I can do on my own.
• Doing a PhD will mean I can call myself Dr, which is kind of cool (even if it’s Doctor of Philosophy)
• I will essentially be being paid to do a PhD, and so start working off some of the mountain of debt I seem to have acquired

However:

• I can earn twice as much doing a real job as I can doing a PhD
• I still don’t know if I want to stay in engineering, and if I don’t, this is another few years down the pan
• I can do a PhD later if I wish, so if I stay with engineering the opportunity probably isn’t gone forever
• Other than being slightly more prestigious, I don’t see any benefits that a PhD can give me that experience doing the job won’t

I’m not saying it would be easy to take up a PhD later, and I’m not saying that it would be a complete waste of time.  I’m sure that, if I actually went for it, it would probably be fun.  But that wouldn’t answer the question of whether or not I want to do the job. The only way I’m going to work this out is by giving the whole job thing a go.

I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t settle for a job I didn’t enjoy, just because it paid well.  I know full well that I can earn more as an engineer than as a nurse or a paramedic.  Perhaps if I was willing to go the whole hog and become a doctor of medicine it would be different, but I don’t, so that’s that.  I also know that as an engineer I’ll get nicer hours (or rather, not shift work), probably have a more comfortable life outside of work, and potentially be very successful.  However, none of this means very much if I don’t enjoy my work.  I’m sure I can live a comfortable and happy personal life on a nurse’s wage, and if I enjoy work more as well I think I’ll be better off.

And because of this, I won’t change my plans.  I will give engineering its chance.  I’ve invested too much into it now to not, and all this disenchantment may just be from uni course burnout.  However, if a couple of years down the line I decide that enough is enough, I will move on and do something else. And, in the mean time, I will work to put myself in the best possible position at that time.

I just have to keep reminding myself that while I might be passing up opportunities now, it’s all so that I can keep my options wider in the future.

An Update

So, I think I should do a bit of an update.

I’m currently in the middle of my final ever exams at Uni. I’ve done one, and have another three to go. I’m a bit stressed, as you can imagine.

It goes without saying that all the depression and anxiety are acting up, with all the problems that entails, not least because I still haven’t got around to doing anything about it…

On the bright side, I have just received confirmation that I have a graduate job with a big engineering company, doing pretty much the engineering I think I want to do. How it pans out remains to be seen, but at least its something to go in to while I worry about everything else. My plan has always been to get a graduate job, and then see what happens next. I can still go into nursing (or something else) later if things don’t work out, and in the meantime I can build up my savings, ready to go back to uni if the need arises.

Typically, now I’ve got this all sorted, I’ve got my project supervisor pestering me about doing a PhD with the uni. I’ll admit, the idea is slightly attractive, but not enough to make me abandon my longterm plans. I can’t justify further expense that could be on a doctorate in something I’m not that interested in as a career ( and I have no desire to be an academic…)

With the Organisation, it feels like we’re on the verge of mutiny with the local Adults. One member (who I have already introduced as CycleGuy) has jumped ship to join my youth unit, and the feeling is growing that two more may be planning to leave.  To add to this, I have heard through the grapevine that the Adult leader may want a word with me about ‘stealing’ CycleGuy, after having both of us make it clear to him that the unit he held his membership at was his choice, and neither of I nor the Adult leader minded what he chose.  The fact that CycleGuy and I both found this out through a third member doesn’t help the matter.  Needless to say CycleGuy is slightly miffed (and I’m far from impressed).

I also know that CycleGuy (as well as HistStudent) wants to become my 2IC.  I am a little sceptical, mainly because I worry that he doesn’t have the Youth Work experience, but my alternative is HistStudent who I know (at a gut level that is difficult to explain in words) would be wrong for the position.  I have been putting off re-opening the position (long story…) because I can’t really face the interviews and the stress they’ll cause, but I don’t think it can wait any longer.  I could be off for good in a few months time (sad times ), and someone needs to know what to do if I go.

I think that’s a catch-up of everything that’s been going on over here.  I have an exam tomorrow, so I can’t stay up too much later.  Fortunately I’m reasonably confident about this one (at least, everything is making sense).

Disappointment

As well as my (extremely time-consuming) activities with the Organisation, I am also a member of the theatre and event technical society on campus.  I don’t do much for them, I don’t really have the time, but when I can I go down and help out. Recently I signed up to help out with the panto on campus, asking if I could run the lighting desk.  I’ll admit that it’s been a long time since I did anything properly like this, but I do mostly know my way around a desk and with a little time I’m certain I could get back to it, and perhaps it would get me back in to doing this sort of thing on even an occasional basis.

I discovered today that I haven’t got the position. I won’t pretend that I’m not disappointed.  This would be the first event in a long time where I’ve been able to make the time to help out, so I was really hoping to get the opportunity.  I was also a little irritated to discover that the job has been given to someone who already has another (admittedly related) role in the show, when the position was offered up as a separate role. I won’t deny, he’s a lot better at that sort of thing than I am, and a lot more experienced in general, but that doesn’t really help stop it sting.  Perhaps I’d be less annoyed if a new member was doing the role (after all, them gaining experience is more valuable to the society), but somehow I doubt it.

I could still do the event in some other role, but I have to weigh the benefits against having to take a night or two off of Cadets, and given that we’re short-staffed as it is, I think I’d struggle to justify it to myself.

This is always the way these things tend to work with me.  I’m just a little sad, as I probably won’t be able to do any more of the theatre events after this.  They all tend to fall on a Tuesday, a Wednesday and/or a Thursday, all evenings when I’m busy.

Sometimes I regret joining the Organisation, or how involved I’ve got in it, for all the stress that it’s caused and all the opportunities I’ve missed because of it.  The fact that I can’t go be part of the University Band, or attend the sort of events I’m interested in with the society, or the other half-dozen things that all fall on a Thursday night.

Of cause, then I remember that because of it I can crew ambulances, and get to cycle around on the cool bikes, and I suppose that does make up for it.  A little.  I just wish I could do everything…

The Inside Story

It is difficult to describe what it is like, the low mood and other things I’m feeling right now.  It is difficult to imagine (even for me), which makes it hard for people to empathise, (or more importantly for me, understand).

It’s not just feeling sad, though that is definitely part of it.  Everyone feels sad from time to time, and most people get through it without it being a problem.  It’s also not just feeling lethargic, or lazy, or just not bothering to do anything.  Again, everyone gets days like these.

But, in my case at least, it’s not just feeling sad all of the time. And it’s not just feeling apathetic all of the time and accepting it. It’s more than that. At least these would be something concrete to fight against.

For me, it’s somewhere in between. Some days I feel fine. If I keep myself busy, through myself in to my work with the Organisation, get lost in a good book, or am snowed under with work, it seems to go away. I don’t really want to get up every morning, but I know that if I do I’ll get out of the house, get paid, and be able to do important things like eat for another month. On a good day I’ll be full of energy, whipping around the house, tidying, finishing paperwork, generally getting things done. On a good day I can achieve a lot, and by keeping myself busy I don’t give myself time to sit and mope. Through me in to the deep end of an event, and I’ll be so busy doing things I enjoy that I won’t notice it’s been a good day until it’s over. For a while I’ll forget.

On a bad day, it goes completely the other way. I’ll sit on the sofa, mope around and do nothing. I’ll have work satin front of me, waiting for me to finish it, and I’ll just put it aside and pretend I’m busy. It’s not even just procrastination, just a complete lack of motivation. Given half a chance, I’ll spend the morning in bed, only getting up when I’m seriously hungry. I won’t eat properly, snacking on stupid things because I can’t muster the motivation to cook properly. I won’t bother to shower. I’ll generally neglect myself, leaving everything I can get away with. If I bully myself enough, and I have a close enough deadline, I might get a little work done, but only enough to scrape through. It’ll be a struggle to even get that done without putting it off.

And to top it all off, most of the time I’ll just sit and think. Mostly about how rubbish I’m being, and how I need to get stuff done. Things will go around and around like how I’m a useless Youth Leader, a rubbish engineer who’ll never enjoy his work, anything that’s getting me down. I’ll beat myself up over every little mistake I’ve ever made, agonising over how I should have done it differently, and imagining terrible consequences for it all.

Which is when the harming tends to come in. I try to keep myself away from things that can seriously hurt me. I’ve never done myself serious damage. I don’t plan to allow myself the opportunity to start. I almost allow myself the small things, as a pressure release, to stop things building up. It’s not good, it’s not a solution, but under the circumstances, I can think of worse things.

If I can muster the motivation, and I have the time, I try to go for a cycle ride at this time. A bit of mindless cycling, having to concentrate on everything going on around me and not what’s going on in my head helps a little, at least for a while.

I need someone to talk to. Someone I can sit down in front of, real out everything to, and get some honest advice (and probably a kick up the backside) in return. The problem is, everyone who really meets those requirements is an Organisation member, and so immediately I run them in to a difficult position. And of cause, even the thought of this is enough for me to not talk to them, because I don’t want to drag someone else down with me.

And so the cycle goes around and around. I am desperately trying to get myself sorted, but time and again the general lack of motivation defeats me. I’ve got to keep trying and keep trying, and hope this won’t beat me.

No, that is the wrong attitude.

This won’t beat me. I won’t let it.

I can’t let it.

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